A week ago, Ed and I were getting ready while the boys were downstairs playing. I looked at him and asked him, “what do you think is the hardest part for you?” He looked at me and then he realized I meant about having a child with autism. I wasn’t looking to start the day on a bad note, it was just one of those moments of reflection I wanted his insight.
One thing I have learned through this journey we are on is that he and I view things much differently. Neither one of us are right or wrong it is just our perspective. I value his view and I truly feel he values mine. There is something about our bond that many people do not understand and are not able to see. We are very open people but also private in ways.
So during this morning of preparation, I wanted to hear his response. He stopped what he was doing and he said, “there are times that you use all your attention and patience on Dom and I am pushed to the side. I sometimes need more attention from you. I understand after a long day of work and then the evening with the boys, you are tired. I want this, don’t get me wrong but sometimes, I am jealous. I know it is selfish but it is the truth.” I sat there thinking about it and he was right. I do give the boys much more patience and attention. There is not a lot left in my tank by the time it is quiet and all is said in done.
He then turned it around on me and asked the same question. “What is the hardest part for you?” I could barely get the words out without a tear. My answer was raw and so true. The hardest part is always having to be 100% and never let my guard down. He said to me, “is your guard up right now when the boys are down stairs playing?” I had to be honest and let him in so I was. I told him that it was up and that I am always thinking three steps ahead. My brain never stops thinking, worrying, and processing. He looked at me and I know what he was thinking. “Your brain hates you.” He has said this before and he means it with love. He basically wants me to know it is okay to let my guard down and it will make me stronger in the long run.
It is interesting to me how our two perspectives are different but in some ways are the same. My lack of never letting my guard down is part of what makes him not fully get his attention. This is where we make commitments. This is where we make promises and grow for the future. It is honest talks like this that make us stronger and our relationship better. This shows that we both our committed to our life and we will be there for eachother even if one of us has to take the back seat for a moment, we will be there to help each other through it.
